morning walk

This morning Sam and I took a walk through the neigborhood. I decided to try to make it a time to talk to people. At the bakery I checked in with the worker whose fiance was in a horrible car accident. He let me know she will be flown out of the country for treatment. He seemed deeply thankful that I stopped by to ask and then offered sam and me breakfast. While walking on, I met a lady that I see occasionally and have no idea who she is. She always asks me for something and today she wanted me to employ her and then wanted Sam's old clothes. Next I ran into three lady street sweepers. They sit on the side of road mid morning for a chat break. They are always fun to talk to and we had a few good laughs. Next I saw some women sitting outside of a house. They used to work at this house and apparently the woman there promised money if they came back after 10 days. So they sat there waiting. They asked me for money and my old clothes. Then I walked by the charity hospital and talked to all sorts of women. One had a son and her husband in jail and was asking if I had any work for them since they were going into debt with the loss of income.

I could have told of each meeting in different posts. Each conversation was full of people's lives. But the same may happen tomorrow. Its amazing to be a part of life here.

The sites

Walking home from the store today I began to point out to Sam all the interesting things we get to see along the way. People, few bits of nature (e.g. a tree or two), richshaws, whole families on a motorcycle. I saw a pile of cloth on the side of the road and thought even that was interesting. But then I saw a hand in the pile. I was momentarily disturbed until I saw the man's head. The pile was actually a toothpick of a man curled up sleeping.

start of Thanksgiving prep

Insightful article

Violence explained by the NY Times

no good homeschools in town

I have already been asked where I am sending Sam to school. "School?", I say, "he's only 15 months." Kids get sent to "school" so early here. Its probably what we would call a day care, but they get sent for half day in uniform and backpack on.

I said that I will probably homeschool Sam at least for a little while to my neighbor recently. She said, "oh there are no good homeschools around here."

I chose to let that one sit before I went into a very unheard of concept.

Fall

Sam fell. Little scrape under the mouth, but cut on the inside.

Not necessarily a big deal

1. But you wouldn't believe the amount of attention he received and questions I was asked. So many neighbors asked how such a scrape could have happened! Amongst my neighbors I am one of the VERY few that does not have "maid" taking care of their little children. Mostly these maids are 7-10 year old boys or girls who are poor and often from a village. They live with these families. The maids give such close 1:1 attention that such a fall would be very unlikely to happen. And if it did, I am sure there would be [bad implications] for the maid.

I view that scrape as a necessary part of growing up, and even necessary for me as a mom, to see him get a little hurt. (not that I encouraged it, just know it will happen)

2. It happened though while we were at the park playing with the kids that live in the park. These kids live on another spectrum. They are running wild in the park all day long with minimal close supervision. 3 year olds dragging their 9 month old sibling around to play. Well, I let Sam go off and play with the crowd for a short bit while I talked to some of the older kids. I was happy to have him be included. Until I saw him running to me with blood coming from his mouth. Joe and I agreed in this context we must be counter-cultural and keep a closer eye on Sam. (Often, in certain places I am being strongly encouraged to allow others to hold or watch Sam. Next thing I know he has been taken to the next house or down the street).

Money

A friend stopped by today and asked for $120. Asking for a loan, but you are never quite sure. This sort of request is frequent. Sure you get the constant beggars on the street asking for a couple of cents. But you also get the acquaintances and friends asking for 1, 2, 3 hundred dollars. First its a culture of asking. Doesn't hurt to ask. And it is a poor country of course. Some good, honest hard working people cannot earn what they need at times. They don't go to bank, but to each other, or to us. The needs are sicknesses, weddings, house repairs, death, etc. Joe and I do have a policy to talk and pray together before we give. We usually don't give immediately. You learn too that when people need $2 they will ask for $5. Thus, we don't feel we need to give the full amount. Sometimes we say yes, and sometimes we say some, and sometimes no. Back home where we don't ask, we also aren't used to being asked. Its not easy to say no to a friend, especially if you feel like you must do it out of principle.

first camel ride

Life as they know it

I've had to take a few weeks off because life has been so busy around here. Lots of visitors and guests.

And I debated writing about this, but thought I would put it out there anyway. Hopefully it won't stir fear in concerned family members.

It was 8:20 pm last night, Sam was sleeping, and Joe and I were having our reading and relaxing time together. Then we heard a huge blast. Maybe felt it. Its hard to tell the difference. We looked at each other knowing/fearing what that was. The electricity was out per usual so no TV. Internet was working, but nothing was coming through. I went to the front window to see if people were running to their homes or any chaos was happening. No, perfectly normal. Kids were playing with their Eid animals and the workers were hanging out talking. Joe went out and asked one of them what they thought happened. He indifferently said, "terrorism or explosion". A few minutes later, he came back and said the a police station by the Sheraton was blown up. Joe asked if it was big. He said, "oooooooh yeah". Apparently it read 1.4 on the Richter scale. It happened about 3.5 miles away from us.

You never know the aftershocks of such events (i.e. rioting, city shutting down, etc) so I sent Joe out for some provisions (bread, milk, butter) for the coming days. Joe asked the people there what they thought would happen. Nothing, because it was the government that was attacked. Meaning nobody really cares about the government.

Sure enough, the next day, today, its as if nothing happened. We've all gone about our business.

Prov. 16:4

Parent's Goals

"What parents want even influences the very ways they label children". Meredith Small

She gives examples of this from a study about how different cultures view intelligent children.
In America= aggressive and competitive
Holland= persistent, strong-willed, and demonstrates a clarity of purpose
Kipsigis Africans=the responsible one who does his or her chores

I asked a local lady here what an intelligent child here meant. She said, "he doesn't take things from other people". Essentially she said it is the one who shares what he has. I found this quite interesting in light of how important the family community is here.

chillin

BABIES

I finally got my hands on the documentary BABIES!

I'll admit I was initially disappointed because "documentary" to me means "commentary chalked full of information". Outside of the babys' cooing, there is almost no audio. Nonetheless I began to appreciate it for what it is and really enjoyed all the cute shots of the babies.

Oh, it is about 4 babies from 4 cultures (Namibia, Japan, Mongolia, and U.S.). I suppose the lack of narration is for the purpose of allowing the viewer to come to their own conclusions. One review described it as "militant ambiguity". Of course as I watched it, I thought the title could have been "Mothering" as what we are watching is how these kids are being mothered differently.

I love the babies. I love the scenery. I love the quick glimpse into other cultures. But as I watch I can't help but be a bit skeptical as to how much of it is staged. And obviously you really can't come to any conclusions (if that is what they want you to do) based on one child.

All that said, I would recommend it. Anyone else watched it?

Our Babies, Ourselves: Parental Goals

My 2 books intersected today talking about parental goals. Tedd Tripp says, "Parents must be goal-directed." Meredith Small says, parents "are active participants in bringing up a particular kind of adult."

"American Culture as a whole clearly fosters independence" as a major goal.

People here gasp and are horrified at the thought of our babies sleeping in their own bed and in their own room. Parents would never expect their child to move out of their house on their own and earn their own living. And men never do leave their families. They get married and the wife comes and lives with the fam.

A local guy lived with us for a short while. Very stressful. Mainly because some of these cultural differences came up. He didn't know how to be by himself. I suggested reading a book. He looked blankly back at me. I said, "take a walk around the neighborhood". He replied it would be boring by himself. This was the first time he lived away from his family at 24 years old. This was the first time he was expected to take care of himself and be by himself, even just for an evening. His parents had never pushed him away to have him get some of his social and emotional needs met elsewhere. Now he was looking to us.

I confess we bought him a TV as a surrogate family.

Our Babies, Ourselves: Culture and Personality

I recently read a biography about Abraham Lincoln. It told how he would only read for an hour or two, no longer, because he wanted to think about what he read.

Well, I don't have the luxury for an hour or two(!!), but I am trying to real short chunks of a book or two and then give time to think about them.

So I re-read a short section of this book carrying on about how cultures shape personality. She goes on to write that it is a very Western concept that how parents raise their children effects their child's personality, even adult personality.

I have to explore this idea here locally. How Muslims view this.

I don't know if this "Western concept" is reflective of an evolutionary worldview. As I raise Sam, I believe that God "created his inmost being, He knit him together in my womb" (Psalm 139). I believe my parenting effects his behavior and response to life, but not shapes his personality. She does write more about this in a section or two which I found quite fascinating . . .

Shopping Fun

I found carpet shopping works well with children. Lots to play and climb on!

travelling

Right now we are on the road. Joe is busy in meetings. Sam and I went to the zoo and then did a day of shopping with another friend. At the zoo Sam was at the fence when a bathing elephant came and stuck his snout in Sam's face. The zookeeper had told the elephant to shake hands with Sam. Sam screamed in horror. On the shopping day Sam enjoyed the carpet shopping where he could climb on piles of carpets and rugs. The shopkeepers there were very accomodating versus the ones at the bookshop.

where's the box

"I don't want to be put in a box." Do you know how many times I have heard that? People say this about their theology, methodology (about anything), personality, etc.

Well, parenting has made me realize something about myself. Boxes don't scare me or bother me. Actually I prefer them. As I became a mother I have sought to understand all the different styles. I read and talk to anyone I can. I see there are different camps on parenting. Recently I realized that I still find myself wandering about what I think and I long to place myself in a specific place. Thus I will know the code to follow. If I am attachment I do this, this and that. I am not desiring to, as others have told me, "try to figure it out on my own". Nor do I know what to do with "just follow your mother's instinct".

Well, as a TCM I am in the perfect place, except for the fact that I don't necessarily agree with the box that exists here. The mothers here don't have a choice often in how they raise their children. They are told by their mother in laws and mothers and aunties and grandmothers and elders how to do so. When I have challenged something I see, they give a head wobble and semi shrug indicating that they don't have a choice. Its just the way it is done. One friend commented on what she saw. "You people learn [to parent] from books, we do it as we always have."

This sort of mentality lends itself to all sorts of good and bad. Trying to invoke change is another story. But people are not waffling around trying to figure out what to do.

Our Babies, Ourselves I

The Anthropology of Parenting.

"[Some researchers] believed that any social and political structure molds parents, and that parents in turn shape children to fit into a society by promoting culture-specific patterns of personality. Even the more elaborate displays of culture, such as ceremonies, rituals, and the arts, presumably can be traced back to individual motivation, parenting-styles, and the underlying culture framework." p48

Let me spell that out a little bit. How much am i allowed to quote in this blog? I wouldn't want people to feel they are reading a book through me.

Anyway, "For example, anthropologists have used subsistence patterns-that is, the ways people obtain food-- to explain features of personality. The stretch from food to personality might seem like a long one, but if people are in any sense molded by their culture, then there should be links from how we go about surviving at the most fundamental level to who we are at the most esoteric level". p49

hunter/gatherer ->intiative and persistence =>those parents foster self-reliance
pastoralist parents foster responsibility

She goes on to write about communities in transition, "parents do shift to a pattern of care that fosters different values required for the new lifestyle".

For the most part, those in the West have an option as to how they will obtain food. I mean how they will earn money to obtain food. In my background we were given the option to decide a profession. I was allowed to think through what I like to do and how I wanted to spend my future. And I was given 21 years to come to place where I could then be independent. With food readily available and even jobs plentiful at the time, I think what was fostered in me was to look for personal fulfillment and happiness. Now with the U.S. economy changing, maybe we will see parenting styles reflecting that a bit too.

I realized another aspect of obtaining food is how often you go and get food. In some ways, back in the West it seems like we live on a weekly basis. Grocery shopping on Saturday. Clean the sheets on Monday. Vacuum on Wednesdays. Etc. (For those of you honestly admitting you live more on a monthly basis, yeah, me too!) But here most things are on a daily basis. There is so much dust and dirt you have to clean everyday. Most food shop everyday. Back West I remember making the grocery run for the week. Here you can't stock up. Its too hot, too many creepy-crawlies, too little preservatives, and too inconsistent of electricity. And for the locals, it can be too little money. They shop for each meal. How does this reality effect/shape one's personality?

A HUGE difference between here and there is living in joint families. In these families where there are 20 people, you can have a nice division of labor. Some work and bring home the money, some go to the bazaar and get the food, some watch the kids, some cook. It creates a real dependence on each other. On the other hand, I have been taught to be independent and manage on my own (with Joe).

How to Lead Meetings That People Want to Attend

How to Lead Meetings That People Want to Attend

Publish Post

up and running

Thought I would attempt yet again to get this thing up and running.

We are back overseas. Everything seemed so familiar when we came back, but in so many ways we are starting afresh. My days are filled with Sam of course, and besides that I have been doing plenty of reading and just living here is somewhat a task in and of itself. Anyway, thought I would record my thoughts here.

As many of you know to some degree or another, I am interested in ethnopediatrics or even medical anthropology. The term ethnopediatrics I came across this summer as I was looking at resources to understand parenting in different cultures. Before I left here in the spring, my first 8 months with Sam, I was so stressed trying to "learn" how to be a mom, but then on top of it doing TCM-- Third Culture Mothering. Being an American but parenting in a different culture-- thus a third culture is formed. We have heard these children (kids who grow up in a different culture) may be the leaders of the future (like Obama, although I know there is debate about that). But what about the mothering in these contexts?

Anyway, I picked up a couple of books by Meredith Small. Who sounds like has been an influential founder or proponent of ethnopediatrics. The book I am reading right now is Our Babies, Ourselves: How biology and Culture Shape the Way we Parent. The first chapter is The Evolution of Babies. I found it quite interesting especially since I am not one to study and read things that are in direct opposition to what I believe. I confess. But I was intrigued by some of the basic beliefs about evolution. (Oh yeah, that belief is totally foreign here so it is not like it comes up in conversation. The gals I know probably have never even heard of it). The second chapter is The Anthropology of Parenting. Fascinating. I will share tidbits from it as I read. Already it is giving me a better understanding of the way "we" parent and the way "they" parent.

I am also reading Sheperding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp. A Biblical Approach to Parenting. When I was home I asked lots of friends what their favorite book on parenting is. This was the only book mentioned. I am hosting a discussion of this book with fellow foreigners in November. Maybe some thoughts from that will be weaved into my ethnopediatric thoughts.

Relaxing

P6010040.JPG

Catch up

I am not going to make any apologies or make any promises with this
blog. Its been a long time, and who knows how long before the next
one will come. Of course, it has been a resolution a few times to
get my blog up and running again, but I just haven't made the time.
Nothing like to today which is a semi-strike day as well as a rainy
day as well as the tail end of a sick child day. So I am at home
with so many little things to do I just don't know where to begin.

Since the last entry SO much has happened. . . so many missed opps
for blog entries. Days and days of unbearable heat. 24 hours or so
with no electricity . . . during the unbearable heat. A huge
rainstorm . . . which lead to no electricity . . . which meant no
running water . . . which meant a lot of other things. The country
has had lots of problems. But here in the city we have had 2 bomb
blasts. Dec 28th and Feb 5th. The latter one we actual felt while
sitting in our house. Following the blasts, but also for many other
reasons on other days strike days have been called. I recently
looked up the word for strike in the dictionary to make sure I knew
the correct meaning. Hartal means "a closure of all shops in a
market as a protest against oppression or other causes; sulphurate of
arsenic". It is taken to the next level here with the entire city
being closed, i.e. shops, buses, schools, etc. etc. These are quiet
days. And you learn to keep staples in your house. Rice, lentils,
tomatoes, onions, and spices. And movies. The president has
remained the same since my last entry, but those days may be limited.

On a personal level I have had a baby. Been LOVING him. Adjusting
to the new role. Experimenting with all sort of parenting styles. I
can say now, 1 day after his 6 month birthday, it has been a
wonderful, but OVERwhelming experience. Especially it being in a
different culture. I think mothering has been the area that I have
most clashed with the culture. I have never had so many random
strangers in my face telling me what to do. I am learning when to
grin and bear it, when to get on a soap box and share my differing
opinion, and when to listen. Sam has has 1 cold, is now finishing up
chicken pox, seems to like peas and carrots, and is running about the
40th% for growth. We had visitors with us for Sam's birth. My
sister for a month and Joe's parents for 2 weeks. Great to see
family again. AND I have had another birthday myself. I've realized
that I like to make the font on my computer screen really large. Its
so much more pleasant for the eyes. I have also hit my 2 year
anniversary of being here. I came on Feb 6 of '08 and have not left
since.

I took about 2 months off of the studies but then got right back to
the Urdu. My teacher and I have begun reading the newspaper together
which has been lots of fun. We mainly read the headlines of the Jang,
Daily Express, or Ummat and then discuss. My other teacher and I are
doing some reading from the Bible and a first grader's Islamiat
reader. I have been studying with so much "shauq" (Urdu for with
"eagerness") as I like to say, that I haven't had lots of time for
other things. For a few weeks I started a quilt, but had to put that
aside for now. I've enjoyed some good podcasts. Of course, This
American Life. The First Austrailians. 60 minutes. New Moms, New
Babies. Series on The Prodigal God. Joe and I have watched a few
movies we really liked. At least one of us. Up in the Air. Julie
and Julia.

Julie and Julia of course inspired me on 2 fronts. The blogging
front. Thus this post. And the cooking front. I could not make a
daily vow. But I made a vow to try to make something new each week.
White Chicken Qorma. Chicken Karahi. Lahori Chicken Choley. Taco
Qeema. And then Joe asked me to stop making meat-in-a-sauce dishes.
So I moved on to Morroccan chicken. Mini pizzas. Philly soft
pretzls. (failed attempt). With some local friends I learned to
make Chicken biryani.

I was able to finish a few good books before Sam. The Prodigal God.
Seeds of Change. Assassination Vacation. And after Sam I have
started a few good books (meaning never finished). Love Walked Among
Us. The Diary of a Social Butterfly. A Chance to Die. 5th or 6th
attempt to start that one.

And of course still hangin with the locals. Not as much as I would
like. Occasionally get to partake in "house-hopping"-- Going from
house to house to house of people who are all relatives for a visit.
Often it can start with a "lets go visit my auntie's house", then to
the next auntie's and the next one and so on and so forth. My max number for one evening was 7. And for those who know this culture, know that that also means 7 cups of chai and some pepsi and all sorts of fried goodies.

Also, visited some old sites. Thatta. And some famous sites.
Faisal Mosque

Well that is the summary. We are on the homestretch now . . . only 7
more weeks til we head out . . .