Parent's Goals

"What parents want even influences the very ways they label children". Meredith Small

She gives examples of this from a study about how different cultures view intelligent children.
In America= aggressive and competitive
Holland= persistent, strong-willed, and demonstrates a clarity of purpose
Kipsigis Africans=the responsible one who does his or her chores

I asked a local lady here what an intelligent child here meant. She said, "he doesn't take things from other people". Essentially she said it is the one who shares what he has. I found this quite interesting in light of how important the family community is here.

chillin

BABIES

I finally got my hands on the documentary BABIES!

I'll admit I was initially disappointed because "documentary" to me means "commentary chalked full of information". Outside of the babys' cooing, there is almost no audio. Nonetheless I began to appreciate it for what it is and really enjoyed all the cute shots of the babies.

Oh, it is about 4 babies from 4 cultures (Namibia, Japan, Mongolia, and U.S.). I suppose the lack of narration is for the purpose of allowing the viewer to come to their own conclusions. One review described it as "militant ambiguity". Of course as I watched it, I thought the title could have been "Mothering" as what we are watching is how these kids are being mothered differently.

I love the babies. I love the scenery. I love the quick glimpse into other cultures. But as I watch I can't help but be a bit skeptical as to how much of it is staged. And obviously you really can't come to any conclusions (if that is what they want you to do) based on one child.

All that said, I would recommend it. Anyone else watched it?

Our Babies, Ourselves: Parental Goals

My 2 books intersected today talking about parental goals. Tedd Tripp says, "Parents must be goal-directed." Meredith Small says, parents "are active participants in bringing up a particular kind of adult."

"American Culture as a whole clearly fosters independence" as a major goal.

People here gasp and are horrified at the thought of our babies sleeping in their own bed and in their own room. Parents would never expect their child to move out of their house on their own and earn their own living. And men never do leave their families. They get married and the wife comes and lives with the fam.

A local guy lived with us for a short while. Very stressful. Mainly because some of these cultural differences came up. He didn't know how to be by himself. I suggested reading a book. He looked blankly back at me. I said, "take a walk around the neighborhood". He replied it would be boring by himself. This was the first time he lived away from his family at 24 years old. This was the first time he was expected to take care of himself and be by himself, even just for an evening. His parents had never pushed him away to have him get some of his social and emotional needs met elsewhere. Now he was looking to us.

I confess we bought him a TV as a surrogate family.

Our Babies, Ourselves: Culture and Personality

I recently read a biography about Abraham Lincoln. It told how he would only read for an hour or two, no longer, because he wanted to think about what he read.

Well, I don't have the luxury for an hour or two(!!), but I am trying to real short chunks of a book or two and then give time to think about them.

So I re-read a short section of this book carrying on about how cultures shape personality. She goes on to write that it is a very Western concept that how parents raise their children effects their child's personality, even adult personality.

I have to explore this idea here locally. How Muslims view this.

I don't know if this "Western concept" is reflective of an evolutionary worldview. As I raise Sam, I believe that God "created his inmost being, He knit him together in my womb" (Psalm 139). I believe my parenting effects his behavior and response to life, but not shapes his personality. She does write more about this in a section or two which I found quite fascinating . . .

Shopping Fun

I found carpet shopping works well with children. Lots to play and climb on!

travelling

Right now we are on the road. Joe is busy in meetings. Sam and I went to the zoo and then did a day of shopping with another friend. At the zoo Sam was at the fence when a bathing elephant came and stuck his snout in Sam's face. The zookeeper had told the elephant to shake hands with Sam. Sam screamed in horror. On the shopping day Sam enjoyed the carpet shopping where he could climb on piles of carpets and rugs. The shopkeepers there were very accomodating versus the ones at the bookshop.

where's the box

"I don't want to be put in a box." Do you know how many times I have heard that? People say this about their theology, methodology (about anything), personality, etc.

Well, parenting has made me realize something about myself. Boxes don't scare me or bother me. Actually I prefer them. As I became a mother I have sought to understand all the different styles. I read and talk to anyone I can. I see there are different camps on parenting. Recently I realized that I still find myself wandering about what I think and I long to place myself in a specific place. Thus I will know the code to follow. If I am attachment I do this, this and that. I am not desiring to, as others have told me, "try to figure it out on my own". Nor do I know what to do with "just follow your mother's instinct".

Well, as a TCM I am in the perfect place, except for the fact that I don't necessarily agree with the box that exists here. The mothers here don't have a choice often in how they raise their children. They are told by their mother in laws and mothers and aunties and grandmothers and elders how to do so. When I have challenged something I see, they give a head wobble and semi shrug indicating that they don't have a choice. Its just the way it is done. One friend commented on what she saw. "You people learn [to parent] from books, we do it as we always have."

This sort of mentality lends itself to all sorts of good and bad. Trying to invoke change is another story. But people are not waffling around trying to figure out what to do.

Our Babies, Ourselves I

The Anthropology of Parenting.

"[Some researchers] believed that any social and political structure molds parents, and that parents in turn shape children to fit into a society by promoting culture-specific patterns of personality. Even the more elaborate displays of culture, such as ceremonies, rituals, and the arts, presumably can be traced back to individual motivation, parenting-styles, and the underlying culture framework." p48

Let me spell that out a little bit. How much am i allowed to quote in this blog? I wouldn't want people to feel they are reading a book through me.

Anyway, "For example, anthropologists have used subsistence patterns-that is, the ways people obtain food-- to explain features of personality. The stretch from food to personality might seem like a long one, but if people are in any sense molded by their culture, then there should be links from how we go about surviving at the most fundamental level to who we are at the most esoteric level". p49

hunter/gatherer ->intiative and persistence =>those parents foster self-reliance
pastoralist parents foster responsibility

She goes on to write about communities in transition, "parents do shift to a pattern of care that fosters different values required for the new lifestyle".

For the most part, those in the West have an option as to how they will obtain food. I mean how they will earn money to obtain food. In my background we were given the option to decide a profession. I was allowed to think through what I like to do and how I wanted to spend my future. And I was given 21 years to come to place where I could then be independent. With food readily available and even jobs plentiful at the time, I think what was fostered in me was to look for personal fulfillment and happiness. Now with the U.S. economy changing, maybe we will see parenting styles reflecting that a bit too.

I realized another aspect of obtaining food is how often you go and get food. In some ways, back in the West it seems like we live on a weekly basis. Grocery shopping on Saturday. Clean the sheets on Monday. Vacuum on Wednesdays. Etc. (For those of you honestly admitting you live more on a monthly basis, yeah, me too!) But here most things are on a daily basis. There is so much dust and dirt you have to clean everyday. Most food shop everyday. Back West I remember making the grocery run for the week. Here you can't stock up. Its too hot, too many creepy-crawlies, too little preservatives, and too inconsistent of electricity. And for the locals, it can be too little money. They shop for each meal. How does this reality effect/shape one's personality?

A HUGE difference between here and there is living in joint families. In these families where there are 20 people, you can have a nice division of labor. Some work and bring home the money, some go to the bazaar and get the food, some watch the kids, some cook. It creates a real dependence on each other. On the other hand, I have been taught to be independent and manage on my own (with Joe).

How to Lead Meetings That People Want to Attend

How to Lead Meetings That People Want to Attend

Publish Post

up and running

Thought I would attempt yet again to get this thing up and running.

We are back overseas. Everything seemed so familiar when we came back, but in so many ways we are starting afresh. My days are filled with Sam of course, and besides that I have been doing plenty of reading and just living here is somewhat a task in and of itself. Anyway, thought I would record my thoughts here.

As many of you know to some degree or another, I am interested in ethnopediatrics or even medical anthropology. The term ethnopediatrics I came across this summer as I was looking at resources to understand parenting in different cultures. Before I left here in the spring, my first 8 months with Sam, I was so stressed trying to "learn" how to be a mom, but then on top of it doing TCM-- Third Culture Mothering. Being an American but parenting in a different culture-- thus a third culture is formed. We have heard these children (kids who grow up in a different culture) may be the leaders of the future (like Obama, although I know there is debate about that). But what about the mothering in these contexts?

Anyway, I picked up a couple of books by Meredith Small. Who sounds like has been an influential founder or proponent of ethnopediatrics. The book I am reading right now is Our Babies, Ourselves: How biology and Culture Shape the Way we Parent. The first chapter is The Evolution of Babies. I found it quite interesting especially since I am not one to study and read things that are in direct opposition to what I believe. I confess. But I was intrigued by some of the basic beliefs about evolution. (Oh yeah, that belief is totally foreign here so it is not like it comes up in conversation. The gals I know probably have never even heard of it). The second chapter is The Anthropology of Parenting. Fascinating. I will share tidbits from it as I read. Already it is giving me a better understanding of the way "we" parent and the way "they" parent.

I am also reading Sheperding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp. A Biblical Approach to Parenting. When I was home I asked lots of friends what their favorite book on parenting is. This was the only book mentioned. I am hosting a discussion of this book with fellow foreigners in November. Maybe some thoughts from that will be weaved into my ethnopediatric thoughts.